Top 10 Reality TV Essentials

With The X Factor topping TV ratings, one last Big Brother on the way and a couple of dance competitions round the corner, we’ve compiled a list of recommendations for any budding reality TV contestants out there. Follow our guide and you’re bound to get noticed…

10. Have a talent (at number 10 since it’s the least important) – If you can dance you’ll have a choice of So You Think You Can Dance? and Just Dance to choose from in the new year. And of course The X Factor for those of you that can sing. A talent is also useful for the 15 minutes of post-Big Brother fame. We recommend releasing a single asap after leaving the BB house if you can sing – or if you can fake singing whilst looking good (think BB8’s Chanelle).

9. Dress like an exhibitionist freak individual – e.g. Siavash, BB10. The more gender-confused, the better.

8. Have a decent figure and work out a lot on camera – Big Brother contestants like BB9’s Dale and Stuart boosted their public support by constantly working out in the BB house and flashing those pecs at the adoring lady viewers.

7. Have an aspiration to become a glamour model – Don’t be shy, let the viewers know all about your desire to get your kit off for the lads’ mags. Self-respect? Bah! That’ll get you nowhere!

6. Kick off at the judges – Who remembers Will Young on Pop Idol before he talked back to Simon Cowell when the judge called him ‘average’? That was his defining moment on the show. A more recent example is John & Edward reaching the Top 12 on X Factor. Who needs talent when you can have attitude?

5. Be working class – There’s nothing middle-class Britain likes to do more than feel sorry for the working class.

4. Never have a game-plan – Even if you blatantly do, just don’t. We don’t like game-players (BB1’s Nasty Nick), only people who are too dumb to have a game-plan or those that have one but hide it well.

3. Get bullied – We love a storyline, even if it’s a “reality” show. So get bullied by the most annoying, arrogant contestant (think BB9’s Rachel and Rex), and then have a defining moment where you stand up to them. You’re guaranteed to get into the top three.

2. Cry on camera – Don’t be dignified or stoical. This is not the place for it. Cry like a baby, and watch all the teenage girls pick up their phones and vote for you.

1. Have a sob story and/or young children – The more deaths and general misfortune you’ve experienced in your life, the better. Failing this, at least try and have a cute baby to gratuitously carry around when the cameras are on you. Particularly useful for programmes like The X Factor or Britain’s Got Talent.